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I've found in recent times, I've grown to adopt a mindset that would categorize as pessimistic. Not exactly though. But I realized that while the whole world moves on, I stay here. Lie here, stagnant. While people become happy-go-lucky individuals, I sometimes mourn and feel dejected. Perhaps affected by the many few who passed through my life, and those nails on the road that punctured the essence of what I believed. My values, beliefs, confidence - all on par, if not already relinquished by hurt and fear.
I am getting nowhere anymore.
- Music:Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
In the past month of March, I've seen happy moments and sad ones too. Some of my friends have been kept busy with priorities, and there are those who just float on by and by.
My maternal grandmother passed on 14th March 2012. Seeing my relatives grieve brought immense sadness to my heart. The language barrier between Grandma and I certainly made it difficult for us to bond over the years, but like any grandson, I loved her. When my Mom delivered the news to me, I was at a loss for words. I felt empty. And then I felt worried. Worried for all those who love her, for those who would mourn her and be greatly affected by this. I promised myself to be strong for my Mom, and my aunts. I miss you, grandma. I know you're in a happier place now. :) With no more grandparents left, it's scary to know that I'm growing up and so are my aunts, uncles and my parents themselves. Very soon, we'll all hit the roof and leave this place. I don't know how I would handle any more of this.
March also saw a spark of something that potentially lasted. March 10th it was, that the hope started. Between then and now is a mere 2 weeks, but we have an ultimatum. Nevertheless, I want to voice my thoughts. :) You were the first one I was willing to give up so much for because of the hope and faith I held in you. You're one of the most grounded people I've known. You're one of the few people whose company itself makes me feel safe and contented. Nothing more than that, really. But then again, you never really did get the chance to fall in love or be of that much interest. And I don't blame you. I blame myself for (yet again) being too foolish. To hand myself so freely to you, dispersing emotional barriers so easily. You should know that I was prepared to change my life up for you. Yes, that doesn't mean that I'm happy now. But have I ever been? What are a few changes to be happy for, then? I didn't want to plead you to think it over because I don't want to convince anyone to love me. There were commitment issues, and I know that was probably why you decided this way. I'm happy nevertheless. Even my words and sentences right now are reduced to its bare simplicity.
"You were never really that interested. How could I have conveniently ignored the signs? Oh, I know.. It's called a Leap of Faith."
"How can you give something up; not knowing what it is, or what it'll become?"
"I'm not getting any younger. My heart's not getting any stronger."
Okay, so I lied. March wasn't the best month ever. But I'm glad that I've got my friends who make it so so so much better. Edmund, Benjamin, Wolfgang, Isaac, Harie. Thank you for constantly being there when I needed a hand, ear, shoulder as necessary. To my friends who are so caught up in work and other commitments: Lifen, Xenia, Victor & Baoying; please do take care. I miss y'all!
I just want to round up this messy post with this last line. "We gain some, we lose some. But eventually, everything will be alright."
- Music:Wide Awake - Katy Perry
Things moved quickly from there. That sensual pause at the lips. The cheeky smile and then pout thereafter. Lip to lip ending in a snigger and casual laugh. It was fresh, it was adrenaline pumping. Was it right? I don't know, I wouldn't know either. But I allowed me to give in, deliberately cave in. And god that crater it left, felt good.
We escaped to a quieter place to talk amidst the scent of bated breaths of alcohol, tar and the cacophony of drunkards. It was honest, and hopeful. A while it has been since this kind of emotional high, did I encounter. I've known you, what, 2 years? It came out of nowhere and blew me away (pun not intended). Like drops of dew forming on the cold exterior of a broken glass heart, t'was good.
And so we say we'll see where this walk in the park leads us to, and yes, I am happy. But I'm also worried that it might not fare well with you on your side. Because all I can control, is myself.
Nevertheless, I'm hopeful. And ready. And I want to be different. A different person. Maybe, just maybe, for you. :)
Walking down a dark road, alone. Cool wind. Each person, and the anguish they remind me of. Step by step. Each step, a new pang. And at the end of the road, I look up. Straight ahead. Pause. A tear escapes the well of my eye. Sniffs it in. Still human, I know. And then I turn around looking at the distance I've crossed. The wind now caressing my face. So fresh. So perfect. Perfect to face my plight. Perhaps I'm meant to be this way. Perhaps this IS my happiness. Nothing gets better than this. Perhaps I've missed all these steps that slid away. Perhaps my chances have come and gone.
But I will keep telling myself this. No one can fix me, 'cept myself. Letting go of the pain. Holding no remorse. No hate. Nothing. Just memories. The hurt never really goes away. Time doesn't heal hurt. Time numbs pain. But the scars will ALWAYS remain. Thank you for making me a warrior. Thank you for breaking me down so much. I'm surprised I still feel human.
Cause you can't bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart.
When will all this shit come to an end? When will I finally be truly happy?
It's time to face the truth. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want in life any more. Going through the journey and notions that made me grow up, at such a young age, affected my upbringing. It made me, not cynical, no; but cautious and slightly pessimistic. Yes, I appear optimistic. That's because if I didn't, my world would come crashing down. I fight for what I'm not. Thats probably the defense mechanism that was built layer by layer over the years.
I don't know what I want. You might think I do. You might say I'm so put together and certain. But I'm only human. I worry. I long for mortal dreams in physical produce. No one is happy with a thought. Fuck. I think all the time. What does that lead me to? More questions. More thoughts. I just want to be normal. I just want to be happy.
Happy. What defines our happiness nowadays? It no longer means having an eighty cent paddle pop ice cream. It no longer involves running around the playground or sitting on a swing. Heck, I never was able to swing well either. Fuck my childhood. Who the hell am I?!
But when all has been said and done. When the words have been confessed. When the world has seen me for who I am, what would you think and say of me? Ultimately, this fight is my own battle. I would undoubtedly have to stand up for myself and push till the end. Till I achieve something of greater measure. I pray that's the road I'm taking now. Have you wondered really how honest you are with yourself? Because today, I realized I've been lying to myself. I don't know the real me any longer. He left about 4 years ago...
Yes, that's just like what we are. Faulty lights in hazards, emitting bright sporadic signals each and every once in a while. And whilst our emissions send no concluding purpose whatsoever, we certainly don't detest or loathe it. Rather, soak in, pretty comfortably.
To yearn is to confess an odd appeal, to the inadvertent and unintentional overlays of secondary consequences which it encompasses. However inconvenient it may be though, an awkward sense of certainty arises every single time - surely and steadily.
And at the back of one's mind, let's just say that he held hope. Longing for just one, or two, more moments of that sweet serenity.
Many nights I sit alone and submerge myself in issues that distract me. Things that make sure I don't get psychotic about what my mind thinks of. On these many occasions, I listen to songs that remind me of why I've been rendered useless and then try to heal myself by forgiving myself. In life, my motto is to impact as many as possible, creating an environment of love and happiness. Never a dull moment.
That is why I understand when Katy Perry sings this acoustic version of her single, The One That Got Away. It's as if she was singing to Russell Brand. Even though she is in the midst of their divorce, you can hear in her voice that she still thinks of what it meant to her. She doesn't hold any grudges. She only wishes.....
As I unintentionally brushed my arm against yours, I felt a sense of certainty. A sense of comfort and content. Akin to a house which you scout for and feel so at home. Perhaps this isn't the end. If only you could see. If only you would think about us just once more.
I miss you, J.
